Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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