If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
