if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
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