Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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