Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
