She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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