This house was built for laser tag.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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