I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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