you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize