We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
