it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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