I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
