So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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