We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
