Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
