theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
