Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I puked a lego.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
