There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize