Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
