so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
