Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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