If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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