I'm so fucking centered right now
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
