ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
