It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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