in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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