apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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