I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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