I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize