He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
