You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
