OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
