Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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