you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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