Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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