The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
