Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
