the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
