you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
