I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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