Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
