i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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