your thong is hanging out like whoa
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
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