i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
