he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
