just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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