i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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