youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
