im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
