So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
