he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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