I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
