note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
