PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
