I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
