Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
